I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I love him but can't be with him? I know exactly how he's feeling and that's why. That's exactly fucking why. I'm sitting here dying. Putting him through the same thing I've been through. Going through the same thing I'm going through. I can't breathe. I have no idea what to do. I want to save him and pull him in but I can't. I'm stopping myself from doing what I want to do but it's not what I want at all. It's something I'm used to. What I'm used to is easier, simpler. This isn't what I wanted to do.. or ever expected to do. I never expected to hurt someone like this because I'm so used to it being the other way around. What do you do then? I guess people always turn out to be something they're not.. even themselves.And here I am, I just want to scream and shake him. Maybe even just punch him straight in the face and say "I'm right here!" What more do you want? "I'm dying here can't you see that?" I'm trying so hard. It'll get you nowhere. It's not what's right, and it never will be. I know that, yet can't understand it. It's breaking everything apart. Even myself. Everything would be so perfect. No, it wouldn't. I can't see that and I can't wait until I do. What changed. Everything was so wonderful. But it wasn't. I can't understand something that I'm, here, doing myself.
You always want to turn back and go back to a certain time after all decisions and mistakes were made. Scratch that, after experience was made.
Maybe nothing is supposed to work out in the end. No one gets what they want nor what they deserve. It's always something less, or much greater. I guess only time will tell, but only if we can manage to make it that far.
