Inadequate

I'm starting to realize that whenever I have so many thoughts and feelings about one thing, I feel I need to blog about it. So here I go.. again.. I wish I could speak differently. Maybe it's the way I think about things that prevents me from talking in a certain way. I just can't find the right words. Maybe I just don't know the right words. It easily becomes frustrating. Maybe I'm always flustered and then comes the feelings of inadequacy. Have you ever felt so inadequate about everything that you do in life? That's my.. and here comes a time where I can't think of the right word to use. I'm sure this whole entry would sound so much better if I knew of the right words. The one thing on my mind lately is that I don't compare to anyone else on the face of the planet. I never "wow" people. There's no impressing anyone here. It's just not something I do and maybe I should accept that, and be a nobody. Who says being a nobody is a bad thing? Everything I do isn't anything superior or worth anybody's time. I almost feel invisible or a better word, possibly, would be nothing. I feel like nothing, worthless, inferior. Why would anyone waste their time around or with me. I have nothing to offer. I'm not someone that other people miss. There's nothing to actually miss. It's like I have these feelings and thoughts that I just can't successfully express. I try, at least I do what I think is trying. Nothing seems good enough. And maybe it isn't. Maybe it's just not good enough for me which would also make it not good enough for anybody else. I wish there was something I could truly offer to those close to me now. For me, it's heartbreaking that I just can't find that one thing. I wish I could ask for advice and be able to make something of myself. I'm one of those characters in the movies where you see them in the background but you don't. They're not actually characters, just fillers. I'm a filler. I'm walking the earth taking up space. I'm one of the people that make actually adequate people look even better. That's all I am. It sucks to feel this way, and actually believe it too. But when I try to make something of myself, I feel like that's not me. It seems fake and forced. I'm stuck in another cycle. Enough with these cycles already, please.

Wait

So I almost have no idea who I am or what's going on. I don't even know why I'm writing and I'm pretty sure I will never remember writing this. My brain has turned into a desert swamp. I don't remember anything. Life is an illusion and everything's just passing by. Nothing is real. People aren't real, time is not real, you are not real. Nothing is real and death awaits you. But that's not real either. Who are you? Wait. Who am I? What the hell is this. This is ridiculous. How can life be real when you have no memories. It's a game that some idiot forgot to save. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SAYING. Goddamn, I could just sit and stare at my ceiling for hours. Nothing really matters. It's all just happening and no one has control of a goddamn thing. But you can't control anything when nothing is real. Seriously, you can't. I don't really understand. I guess as you grow older, if that's a possibility, then your mind starts to disintegrate and then you turn to mush. You lose things, you lose thoughts, you lose your mind, and you lose yourself. When really you lose nothing because nothing is something you can't lose. It's nonsense talking to people. They aren't real, they're a figment of your imagination and you're really the only one alive. How can something imaginary understand anything? The answer is no. You have to live within yourself because if you have anything then that's what you have. Although you don't really have that either. Nothing makes much sense because sense isn't there. There are somethings that couldn't have possibly happened. How could someone come up with an idea like that. It's impossible. How does someone's brain think like that? What's the point of being awake when your reality happens when you sleep. Some people think that the real reality is when you're awake but it's not. It can't be. Sleep is what you need. You only get so much time in the real world before it all goes away.