I haven't posted in a while..

Where: Home - Living Room

Looking Like:

Mood: Decent; Content

Currently Doing: Hot Chocolate and blogging (obviously)

So, since I haven't been on my blog in a long time I'm going to vent! Some people are asking where my Facebook went. To tell you the truth, I deactivated it haha. Why? Cause all Facebook does is get me caught up in this fictional life. Facebook is just like.. how do i explain it?.. nonsocial, if I must say. I just feel that if people want to get in touch with me bad enough they will. Everything doesn't need to be posted on the internet. So there. Boom! Facebook gone.

..Lately I've been feeling live I've been living for everyone else.. except me. It should be the other way around.. kidding. I feel like I'm constantly trying to make others happy and do what I can for them. Sometimes I think I care too much than I should.. but the thing is that I know what it's like to be miserably depressed to the point where you don't want to be around anymore. It's the worst feeling. I give people my all so they don't always feel like they're alone. So they know they have someone who loves them and will always be there for them. I'm that person. I would do anything for someone else. I wish I wasn't so intellectual.. I wish I was ignorant. They say ignorance is bliss.. and it's true. My therapist believes I have the emotional maturity of a 25-30 year old woman but I wish I didn't.. I wish I was a normal, ignorant teenager who didn't care about anything or anyone but that's not the case.

I was seeing this kid for a while who happened to be over 21. We'd talk and such but it led to more of a physical relationship than an emotional one. I think it was harder for him to connect cause he seemed to have an issue with the age difference. I don't understand why a labelled number matters.. Teenagers are always stereotyped to being immature, irresponsible, and not understanding whether they truly are or not. People tend to label and get situated on those labels from which they can't change their view. Whether age mattered or not in this situation, it eventually didn't work out. I'm not discussing this issue because I feel like announcing my relationship life, because I don't. I'm merely giving an example of how I give my all to people. I cared about this kid, I thought he was sweet and interesting but I think the way I showed it seemed like it was much more than it really was. I enjoyed spending time with him and talking to him when we actually did talk. When it ended, of course, I was crushed but what bothered me the most was that the whole "relationship" if you will, was a distraction to me. It gave me something to look forward to. Just being able to associate myself with someone who hadn't always been in my life. To see someone new for once. I'm not a big fan of talking to new people.. there's something about it that bothers me. So I was happy that I was able to hangout with someone new. The whole distraction of it was broken and I feel like I was able to see my life in front of me. I was clearly not happy with much... school was a bummer because I don't see a good majority of my friends, work is difficult with the uniform and stricter policies, I barely have time to see my friends, and I have to push myself like hell to get my school work done. And it doesn't help knowing that I don't have to do well in school to go to cosmo school. It just makes school seem even more pointless. All they need to have is a high school diploma.. no grades, no recommendations, no nothing. I'm just trying to stay afloat. I try to do little things to keep myself happy.. but there's not much to do now. All I'd want is to be able to fully express myself. I wanna get piercings and tattoos. I want a baby kitten. I want to be able to stay out later than 11. Simple things. It's not much. It never takes much to make me happy. I feel like I try so hard to make others happy and I get nothing in return..

homophobia is gay.

What's up with homophobia? So many people are homophobic whether they admit it or not. Whenever a straight person gets a compliment from someone who is gay they automatically think they are being hit on if they're the same gender. Homophobic people always think that gay people are inclined to try to get with you just because you're the same gender. Just because someone like girls doesn't mean they like EVERY girl. It also doesn't mean that lesbians are all sluts (people who get with everyone). They're just straight people who tend to have feelings for a different gender. Same goes for guys. Just because a guy likes guys doesn't mean he likes EVERY guy. Like honestly, chill out. For all you straight people who are homophobic, just because someone is gay does not mean they like you. It also does not mean they are automatically hitting on you. Most gay people are extremely friendly but if they don't know you chances are they are not going to try to get with you if they don't know your sexual orientation. It does happen but it doesn't mean it ALWAYS happens. Stop being so bias and calm down. Stop making fun of people for liking the same sex. It's who they are and it's what they like. It's none of your business so don't make it that way. Grow up and get over it.

Give a life or fake a life..

How many times can you possibly be put second if not last..? I feel like people always underestimate others. I always put friends first. If they need me I'LL BE THERE. I will find any possible way to get to them if they truly need me. I often wish that others did the same.. or even showed that they care at all. I'm often left with the idea that people don't see me in the same great perspective as I see them and it is quite a letdown. My self esteem is thrown in a tank of hydrochloric acid and it disintegrates.. just like that. It's like the times where I get so depressed where I just start talking nonsense. It's only because my depression can take me to a whole different zone that isn't me. Friends will say "oh don't do that" or "you're crazy for thinking that" but I feel like it's because they don't want to feel like a jerk and not respond. Or it's because they feel obligated to say it, not because they really care. That's when I stop responding because I feel like I'm being annoying.. yet I really feel like I need the help by actually being able to talk to someone. It helps calm me down and keeps me distracted from other things. People tend to say words and do such things that do not have meaning behind them and that's the biggest issue here. I hear all the time that people would give their life to help someone else. Yet every time I hear it I never believe they would actually do it. I like those days when the national holiday is like "please a person day" or something like that but I feel like it should be everyday. People should be able to always look at a situation in everyone's perspective before they go and say something or do something. Most of the time someone doesn't even have to do anything to hurt someone's feelings but the emptiness of a person's heart can really tear another's.

The song that completely supports this is: You Should've Killed Me When You Had The Chance by A Day To Remember