Transfer from The Book (subtract the tagging)

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged . You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. I've stopped eating all kinds of meat, including fish, and am highly considering going vegan.

2. I want to go to school for cosmetology school, either Paul Mitchell or Toni & Guy Academy.

3. I want to get my piercing and tattooing licenses as well.

4. After cosmetology school I want to work on cruise for a bit. Then I want to open my own hairdressing salon/tattooing and piercing parlor.

5. I am prevented from doing basically anything I really and truly want to do.

6. I help others way more than I help myself.

7. I can be a pushover because I want to make people happy.

8. I care what people think about me, for whatever reason, and I know I shouldn't.

9. I will never understand why I am living.

10. Simplicity makes everything so much better for me.

11. I'm scared of the dark.. especially while being alone.

12. I feel like I'm trapped at work, and it has become a huge part of my everyday life.

13. I always feel lonely even when I'm with people.

14. I highly dislike hanging out with groups of people with more than two other people.

15. People never fail to disappoint me.. especially those who I least expect it from.

16. I'll always be searching for something I can never have.

17. After I turn 18 I'd rather be dead than still be living at my house.

18. I would rather live in an apartment or a very small house than anything else when I'm older.

19. I don't have a very high confidence level and my social skills suck.

20. I always see the best in people when I shouldn't.

21. I don't personally have real problems with anyone and get along with most people.

22. I'm currently hungry but hey what's new?

23. I hate shopping at the mall for long periods of time. I prefer to know what I'm getting, get it, and leave.

24. My music taste is all over the place.

25. I'm seventeen. All that means is that I'm still in high school and can't legally drink. Age shouldn't matter for anything else.

Prevention.

What happens when you're prevented from doing certain things? You find other things to do.. unless those too are prevented. So today I was talking to my mom about possibly going vegan. She's completely against the idea I must say. "I want to do it not only for animal rights and such but it'll also help prevent me from eating ice cream and junk food all the time." "Well why don't you just not eat junk food?" My older sister adds "Why do you always prevent Rachael from doing things she wants to do?" I believe just "not eating junk food" would defeat my actual purpose for wanting to go vegan in the first place. I mean I just recently stopped eating fish a week or so ago and it's going well. I feel like it also helps to keep me entertained in a way. Makes me feel like I'm actually doing something. It's kind of the same as dying my hair.. but not really. I do things to keep me amused with my life yet my mom doesn't approve. I want to eat better and healthier yet my mom wants to dismiss my wishes for myself. I want to help the environment.. help others.. but nope, no approval on her part. Just like donating blood. "Seventeen year olds shouldn't be allowed to donate blood." Honestly? Let's have a little bit of respect here please. All I want to do is help the environment, animals, people.. myself. I just want to be happy, yet am prevented from doing so. Prevention pushes people, pushes them to self destruction.

Purpose?

“What’s the purpose of life?” Some of the biggest and most important questions can never be answered by anyone but oneself. You just have to figure that out for yourself. A few weeks ago, I asked my psychiatrist what the purpose of life was, she simply answered “There isn’t one.” Speaking as a seventeen year old girl, I thought that was a complete letdown. At that time I was at my breaking point, or so I thought. I have been dealing with major depression and anxiety since middle school. It really kills you when you realize you struggle with MDD because you understand that there’s no definite cause of why you’re upset. I’m not talking about the imbalance of brain chemicals, but the triggers which people may face in everyday life. There’s just no actual reason. No deaths, no breakups, no family issues, no drug or alcohol abuse, no PTSD, no nothing. It’s just there. Depression makes you feel guilty as hell most of the time which doesn’t help because then, of course, you start feeling worse. In Lynn, when I was sitting in my psychiatrist’s office I was so unfocused. I was in a daze just staring at the Zoloft advertisement on the desk. I was intrigued by the water droplet that somehow symbolized Zoloft. I just didn’t care. I wanted to feel something; I was numb. I had no sense of hope and I think that’s what I was really looking for when I asked about life’s biggest question. I had been pondering the idea of life’s purpose. Why do we do anything? Why do we go to school? We go to school to get into greater school. College. What’s the point of college? To get a job? One that we will most likely hate. What do we work for? To be able to eat and sleep comfortably? Or is it so we can just live in the same boring routine we all call life? Life is an endless circle. It really is. Everyone wants to be happy whether they admit it or not. Most people with depression often feel comfortable with how they feel. They accept their depression and often use it as a “comfort zone.” People suffering from depression become so used to always feeling down that they feel like its almost the right way to feel. When they do feel “happy” they sometimes wish they didn’t for some unknown reason. Depression is quite difficult to understand. But obviously, deep down everyone wants to be unconditionally happy. They just have to find their reason in order to understand themselves. In order to be unconditionally happy, one must have a reason. A purpose. They must have a greater perspective on life which makes everything feel worthwhile. I discovered that perspective. My perspective. It always irritated me when people would ask “What do you want to go to school for?” Not only did it stress me out because I didn’t know, but it made me think How do you even know I want to go to college? As I thought about the appointment with my psychiatrist, I thought about the idea of college too. What made me happy? What did I love to do? I always thought that sometime I would find something that I loved doing. The problem was that I had been doing it. I just had to look at the greater picture and realize it. My passion had always been doing my hair. Adding red tints, and new bleached out blondes and auburns, cutting it, styling it, everything. The fresh smell of hair dye would bring pleasure to me every time it infused the bathroom. The stains on my hands never bothered me, but somehow made me feel like I had done something worthwhile. I had overlooked the fact that I loved hair coloring that it just seemed like an ordinary routine. I didn’t have to give it much thought when I colored my hair. I simply just did it. It may sound weird but as soon as I actually realized this, it gave me a great sense of relief. I could go to school for cosmetology! Awkwardly, everything suddenly made sense. Although cosmetologists don’t always make the greatest money, I don’t care. I would rather do something I absolutely love doing and barely making anything rather than making a lot of money while suffering. Over the past month or so I’ve realized that in order to be unconditionally happy, you must find your motivation. Something to look forward to. Find the one thing that makes you feel like there’s a reason why you’re doing the things that you are. Otherwise, everything else seems like a complete waste of time. With a reason and a purpose in life, not everything will feel pointless. There’s obviously not a reason for absolutely everything that happens each minute of every day, but it becomes clear that there is a point to living, there’s a point to being happy. You just have to figure it out for yourself. The beginning is just around the corner, first just start off by finding your purpose. Then live for that purpose.