Keeping My Head Up with New Goals

So, since I feel like I've constantly been down lately I'm starting to look up. I've realized I don't want to contribute to something or someone unless I'm ready to give it or them, my all. I don't want to get my hopes up or anything of the sorts so it's better to play it safe. I'd rather focus on my current goal.. one of which won't change in a month. I have to work on ME. I've been deciding on changing my major from Hospitality Management to Business Administration to hopefully Accounting/Finance (if I figure out that that's what I like best). After I finish school, I think I'll want to make the trip out to Cali and live out there. I figure there's probably more for me there than around Massachusetts. Since I have just about nothing here besides my job, school and the couple of people I talk to, there's a good reason to move out and leave those things behind. Even if I don't make anymore friends around here anytime soon, I still have something to work towards. Something to look forward to. I've always wanted to work for Hot Topic. Maybe I can find a job over in their HeadQuarters some day. They have great style in my opinion and seem like a very fun company to work for. Then I won't have to worry about not getting a job because of my tattoos or piercings and continue being "me." I look forward to this despite everything else going on.

I don't have many people to talk to about this idea.. that's why I'm blogging about it. Still, no one's going to read this anyway :P

What goes on in my head.. No one will ever know.

I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I love him but can't be with him? I know exactly how he's feeling and that's why. That's exactly fucking why. I'm sitting here dying. Putting him through the same thing I've been through. Going through the same thing I'm going through. I can't breathe. I have no idea what to do. I want to save him and pull him in but I can't. I'm stopping myself from doing what I want to do but it's not what I want at all. It's something I'm used to. What I'm used to is easier, simpler. This isn't what I wanted to do.. or ever expected to do. I never expected to hurt someone like this because I'm so used to it being the other way around. What do you do then? I guess people always turn out to be something they're not.. even themselves.
       And here I am, I just want to scream and shake him. Maybe even just punch him straight in the face and say "I'm right here!" What more do you want? "I'm dying here can't you see that?" I'm trying so hard. It'll get you nowhere. It's not what's right, and it never will be. I know that, yet can't understand it. It's breaking everything apart. Even myself. Everything would be so perfect. No, it wouldn't. I can't see that and I can't wait until I do. What changed. Everything was so wonderful. But it wasn't. I can't understand something that I'm, here, doing myself.
      You always want to turn back and go back to a certain time after all decisions and mistakes were made. Scratch that, after experience was made.
     Maybe nothing is supposed to work out in the end. No one gets what they want nor what they deserve. It's always something less, or much greater. I guess only time will tell, but only if we can manage to make it that far.

The Three Types of Love

So I'm not sure if anyone has heard of the term "Eros" love. The term has a great deal of concepts. "ORIGIN Latin, from Greek, literally ‘sexual love.’" I also like to consider it as "erotic love." This type of love is what attracts one person to another based on appearance or other external characteristics. I learned about the term when I was at one of my weakest point and it made me grow stronger, I believe, as a person. Eros love is similar to, in my opinion, being used. It's abuse, mistreating, and even fake. The truth is that people who truly love you will do anything for you whether it makes them happy or not. "The weakness with this type of love is obvious. It is based more on "self-benefit", of what can benefit you rather than the other person." "Eros love can only succeed in the long-term if it progresses into a higher form of love. " The next higher type of love is called Philos love. This type of love is the one which friends feel for one another. The important thing is that two people develop a friendship before getting into a serious or romantic relationship. Friendship is the base which is needed for such a strong thing as real love. "Philos love is a love based on "give-and-take", where two people benefit each other in a mutual way... Philos love is a mutual, "give-and take" relationship, while eros love is a self-based, form of love that is more concerned with the "self" or self-benefit." The next highest and most difficult to obtain is Agape love. Unconditional love or "Agape" is the love that comes from your parents. Meaning that they will always love you no matter what you get yourself into, what you do, and they will always ALWAYS protect you. (In most cases, I know there are exceptions). Agape love does not benefit the person in anyway but focuses on YOU rather than THEM.

In essence, eros love is "physical", philos love is "mental", and agape love is "spiritual". Thus, it is made up of the three fundamental elements of man: physical, mental and spiritual.

After I had a talk with Enold, the wonderful man who explained all of this to me, I was able to open my eyes and mind to the fact that what I had been in was not real love. It was Eros love. I'm not saying they had meant nothing to me because they had. Eros love can be unmutual, which is what I was dealing with. I was portraying Philos love.. or even more, but was not getting the same in return. I had not completely realized that until I came into this conversation. I've come to more openly accept the fact and it's been able to make me move forward. Never waste your time falling for Eros love. If the person doesn't treat you well, move on.