Too Many Feelings

     Everything feels so right.. Maybe I'm just crazy.. but who cares, I'm happy. No one has made me feel this way in a long time. Just being around him gives me crazy feelings inside. Little explosions of happiness. It makes me want to cry tears of joy every time. I don't have to think about it. Nothing's forced, the way it should be. It is what it is and it just is. I know that when I'm not with him I wish I was but at the same time I'm happy either way because I get to look forward to seeing him again. He's one of my best friends and he's always there. Even when he's not, he is, it's perfect. No more too much of this and too much of that. Things are wonderful and I can't wait to see this develop. It's like taking photographs and anticipating to finish the role of film just so you can see the final results. The negatives are the positives.
     For a little while I was hesitant and maybe even skeptical because I felt like I needed to see him more than I do. I don't. Things will be healthier and more exciting if I don't. The two things I need most: health and excitement. And trust me, it sure as hell is fucking excitement.
I get to be me, working and focusing on me, while at the same time get to see this going and becoming something so utterly wonderful.
     I guess waiting and having hope is worth it. There were so many times where I've said "It's never going to happen" and "What am I doing?" But you know, when you least expect it, the most outstanding things can happen. Honestly, I'm still in shock but I'm accepting it and it feels so great. Actually getting what you've always wanted is the most exciting and satisfying feeling. I would honestly, not that I could ever move on from this, wait forever. Even though it's happened, I would still wait. He's just worth it. Always has been and always will be. Who knows why, maybe for every reason but sometimes you can't help your feelings let alone understand them.
     Those three little words have never meant so much. Especially coming from him. Every time he says it, I get this super strong gut feeling and I know he genuinely means it. This was definitely worth the wait. I never really understood love but now I can feel it more than I ever had before. Love is not forced. It is what it is. It's just there whether you think about it or not for the most unexplainable reasons.

Keeping My Head Up with New Goals

So, since I feel like I've constantly been down lately I'm starting to look up. I've realized I don't want to contribute to something or someone unless I'm ready to give it or them, my all. I don't want to get my hopes up or anything of the sorts so it's better to play it safe. I'd rather focus on my current goal.. one of which won't change in a month. I have to work on ME. I've been deciding on changing my major from Hospitality Management to Business Administration to hopefully Accounting/Finance (if I figure out that that's what I like best). After I finish school, I think I'll want to make the trip out to Cali and live out there. I figure there's probably more for me there than around Massachusetts. Since I have just about nothing here besides my job, school and the couple of people I talk to, there's a good reason to move out and leave those things behind. Even if I don't make anymore friends around here anytime soon, I still have something to work towards. Something to look forward to. I've always wanted to work for Hot Topic. Maybe I can find a job over in their HeadQuarters some day. They have great style in my opinion and seem like a very fun company to work for. Then I won't have to worry about not getting a job because of my tattoos or piercings and continue being "me." I look forward to this despite everything else going on.

I don't have many people to talk to about this idea.. that's why I'm blogging about it. Still, no one's going to read this anyway :P

What goes on in my head.. No one will ever know.

I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I love him but can't be with him? I know exactly how he's feeling and that's why. That's exactly fucking why. I'm sitting here dying. Putting him through the same thing I've been through. Going through the same thing I'm going through. I can't breathe. I have no idea what to do. I want to save him and pull him in but I can't. I'm stopping myself from doing what I want to do but it's not what I want at all. It's something I'm used to. What I'm used to is easier, simpler. This isn't what I wanted to do.. or ever expected to do. I never expected to hurt someone like this because I'm so used to it being the other way around. What do you do then? I guess people always turn out to be something they're not.. even themselves.
       And here I am, I just want to scream and shake him. Maybe even just punch him straight in the face and say "I'm right here!" What more do you want? "I'm dying here can't you see that?" I'm trying so hard. It'll get you nowhere. It's not what's right, and it never will be. I know that, yet can't understand it. It's breaking everything apart. Even myself. Everything would be so perfect. No, it wouldn't. I can't see that and I can't wait until I do. What changed. Everything was so wonderful. But it wasn't. I can't understand something that I'm, here, doing myself.
      You always want to turn back and go back to a certain time after all decisions and mistakes were made. Scratch that, after experience was made.
     Maybe nothing is supposed to work out in the end. No one gets what they want nor what they deserve. It's always something less, or much greater. I guess only time will tell, but only if we can manage to make it that far.