I haven't posted in a while..

Where: Home - Living Room

Looking Like:

Mood: Decent; Content

Currently Doing: Hot Chocolate and blogging (obviously)

So, since I haven't been on my blog in a long time I'm going to vent! Some people are asking where my Facebook went. To tell you the truth, I deactivated it haha. Why? Cause all Facebook does is get me caught up in this fictional life. Facebook is just like.. how do i explain it?.. nonsocial, if I must say. I just feel that if people want to get in touch with me bad enough they will. Everything doesn't need to be posted on the internet. So there. Boom! Facebook gone.

..Lately I've been feeling live I've been living for everyone else.. except me. It should be the other way around.. kidding. I feel like I'm constantly trying to make others happy and do what I can for them. Sometimes I think I care too much than I should.. but the thing is that I know what it's like to be miserably depressed to the point where you don't want to be around anymore. It's the worst feeling. I give people my all so they don't always feel like they're alone. So they know they have someone who loves them and will always be there for them. I'm that person. I would do anything for someone else. I wish I wasn't so intellectual.. I wish I was ignorant. They say ignorance is bliss.. and it's true. My therapist believes I have the emotional maturity of a 25-30 year old woman but I wish I didn't.. I wish I was a normal, ignorant teenager who didn't care about anything or anyone but that's not the case.

I was seeing this kid for a while who happened to be over 21. We'd talk and such but it led to more of a physical relationship than an emotional one. I think it was harder for him to connect cause he seemed to have an issue with the age difference. I don't understand why a labelled number matters.. Teenagers are always stereotyped to being immature, irresponsible, and not understanding whether they truly are or not. People tend to label and get situated on those labels from which they can't change their view. Whether age mattered or not in this situation, it eventually didn't work out. I'm not discussing this issue because I feel like announcing my relationship life, because I don't. I'm merely giving an example of how I give my all to people. I cared about this kid, I thought he was sweet and interesting but I think the way I showed it seemed like it was much more than it really was. I enjoyed spending time with him and talking to him when we actually did talk. When it ended, of course, I was crushed but what bothered me the most was that the whole "relationship" if you will, was a distraction to me. It gave me something to look forward to. Just being able to associate myself with someone who hadn't always been in my life. To see someone new for once. I'm not a big fan of talking to new people.. there's something about it that bothers me. So I was happy that I was able to hangout with someone new. The whole distraction of it was broken and I feel like I was able to see my life in front of me. I was clearly not happy with much... school was a bummer because I don't see a good majority of my friends, work is difficult with the uniform and stricter policies, I barely have time to see my friends, and I have to push myself like hell to get my school work done. And it doesn't help knowing that I don't have to do well in school to go to cosmo school. It just makes school seem even more pointless. All they need to have is a high school diploma.. no grades, no recommendations, no nothing. I'm just trying to stay afloat. I try to do little things to keep myself happy.. but there's not much to do now. All I'd want is to be able to fully express myself. I wanna get piercings and tattoos. I want a baby kitten. I want to be able to stay out later than 11. Simple things. It's not much. It never takes much to make me happy. I feel like I try so hard to make others happy and I get nothing in return..

homophobia is gay.

What's up with homophobia? So many people are homophobic whether they admit it or not. Whenever a straight person gets a compliment from someone who is gay they automatically think they are being hit on if they're the same gender. Homophobic people always think that gay people are inclined to try to get with you just because you're the same gender. Just because someone like girls doesn't mean they like EVERY girl. It also doesn't mean that lesbians are all sluts (people who get with everyone). They're just straight people who tend to have feelings for a different gender. Same goes for guys. Just because a guy likes guys doesn't mean he likes EVERY guy. Like honestly, chill out. For all you straight people who are homophobic, just because someone is gay does not mean they like you. It also does not mean they are automatically hitting on you. Most gay people are extremely friendly but if they don't know you chances are they are not going to try to get with you if they don't know your sexual orientation. It does happen but it doesn't mean it ALWAYS happens. Stop being so bias and calm down. Stop making fun of people for liking the same sex. It's who they are and it's what they like. It's none of your business so don't make it that way. Grow up and get over it.

Give a life or fake a life..

How many times can you possibly be put second if not last..? I feel like people always underestimate others. I always put friends first. If they need me I'LL BE THERE. I will find any possible way to get to them if they truly need me. I often wish that others did the same.. or even showed that they care at all. I'm often left with the idea that people don't see me in the same great perspective as I see them and it is quite a letdown. My self esteem is thrown in a tank of hydrochloric acid and it disintegrates.. just like that. It's like the times where I get so depressed where I just start talking nonsense. It's only because my depression can take me to a whole different zone that isn't me. Friends will say "oh don't do that" or "you're crazy for thinking that" but I feel like it's because they don't want to feel like a jerk and not respond. Or it's because they feel obligated to say it, not because they really care. That's when I stop responding because I feel like I'm being annoying.. yet I really feel like I need the help by actually being able to talk to someone. It helps calm me down and keeps me distracted from other things. People tend to say words and do such things that do not have meaning behind them and that's the biggest issue here. I hear all the time that people would give their life to help someone else. Yet every time I hear it I never believe they would actually do it. I like those days when the national holiday is like "please a person day" or something like that but I feel like it should be everyday. People should be able to always look at a situation in everyone's perspective before they go and say something or do something. Most of the time someone doesn't even have to do anything to hurt someone's feelings but the emptiness of a person's heart can really tear another's.

The song that completely supports this is: You Should've Killed Me When You Had The Chance by A Day To Remember

Nosebleed?

So since I haven't posted a blog in a while I mind as well rant about my most current nosebleed (ten minutes ago). Most people know that it's not unusual for me to get nosebleeds since I have them about four times a week (at least). I don't know if there's something wrong with my blood or my head or what. It's probably both since I tend to get light-headed quite frequently as well. Maybe I have some deathly disease.. I wish.. but I've been getting them since I was at least 12 so I'm used to them by now. They're VERY annoying. So here we go:

how lovely..

this is the first blood droplet!

then I started to bleed INTO the first sink.. the one with no running water...

Then I ran to my other sink.. (with running water)

Wanna close up?

Oh? You didn't?

And this is my attempt to clean the sink with no running water...

The point of this story is that there isn't one and that I was asked to write a blog... this is the best I could come up with... Probably not haha but I didn't want to think too much about what to write about. Oh and here's a tip: never tilt your head back when you have a nosebleed because then all the blood will just rush to your brain. Just pinch the part of your nose where the bone ends and the cartilage starts. It'll stop the bleeding after about two minutes.

Age Is Just a Measurement.

Age. What is it? It's merely a measurement of time. Nothing else. It doesn't serve as a way to figure out what someone is like at a more personal level. Age tells nothing about a person except the physical state of their body. All it is, is an excuse to make judgement about a person before you actually get to know them. Just because a teenager is a teenager does not mean that they are any less capable of doing things any adult could do. Decision making is the same. It does not depend on age, but maturity and responsibility. For example: just because I am 17 doesn't necessarily mean I AM 17. All it really means is that I can't legally drink or smoke, and that I am still in high school and can't go into sex shops. That's all it means legally but I think that's bullshit. Obviously drinking and smoking shouldn't be legal til you're 18/21 anyway because some people are still very immature then. Even when some "adults" turn 21 they can still be immature as fuck and should still be put in time out. IN CONCLUSION, people should stop being so prejudice and get to know people before they judge them on age. Why does age really matter any way? Just for legal purposes which are complete bullshit anyway.

The Idea of Death

Why is everyone always hung up on the idea of death being so hard? Death is probably one of the easiest things that could possibly happen. I don't understand why so many people fear it. The idea should be embraced. Think of it as a dream. A simple alteration of reality. It makes sense. I don't understand why people are scared to die. It's understandable to fear the loss of someone else but not oneself. Death is a release of any kind of pain. You could be scared of the pain of getting shot, the pain of an illness, the pain of loss, the pain of burning flesh.. but once death comes all pain is gone. It's a relief. Death comes and your time us up. Don't be selfish if it's your time. Welcome death with open arms. Accept it as one accepts a dream while dreaming. Life isn't really reality anyway.. is it? If dreams weren't the real truth then why would everybody follow them?

Transfer from The Book (subtract the tagging)

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged . You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. I've stopped eating all kinds of meat, including fish, and am highly considering going vegan.

2. I want to go to school for cosmetology school, either Paul Mitchell or Toni & Guy Academy.

3. I want to get my piercing and tattooing licenses as well.

4. After cosmetology school I want to work on cruise for a bit. Then I want to open my own hairdressing salon/tattooing and piercing parlor.

5. I am prevented from doing basically anything I really and truly want to do.

6. I help others way more than I help myself.

7. I can be a pushover because I want to make people happy.

8. I care what people think about me, for whatever reason, and I know I shouldn't.

9. I will never understand why I am living.

10. Simplicity makes everything so much better for me.

11. I'm scared of the dark.. especially while being alone.

12. I feel like I'm trapped at work, and it has become a huge part of my everyday life.

13. I always feel lonely even when I'm with people.

14. I highly dislike hanging out with groups of people with more than two other people.

15. People never fail to disappoint me.. especially those who I least expect it from.

16. I'll always be searching for something I can never have.

17. After I turn 18 I'd rather be dead than still be living at my house.

18. I would rather live in an apartment or a very small house than anything else when I'm older.

19. I don't have a very high confidence level and my social skills suck.

20. I always see the best in people when I shouldn't.

21. I don't personally have real problems with anyone and get along with most people.

22. I'm currently hungry but hey what's new?

23. I hate shopping at the mall for long periods of time. I prefer to know what I'm getting, get it, and leave.

24. My music taste is all over the place.

25. I'm seventeen. All that means is that I'm still in high school and can't legally drink. Age shouldn't matter for anything else.

Prevention.

What happens when you're prevented from doing certain things? You find other things to do.. unless those too are prevented. So today I was talking to my mom about possibly going vegan. She's completely against the idea I must say. "I want to do it not only for animal rights and such but it'll also help prevent me from eating ice cream and junk food all the time." "Well why don't you just not eat junk food?" My older sister adds "Why do you always prevent Rachael from doing things she wants to do?" I believe just "not eating junk food" would defeat my actual purpose for wanting to go vegan in the first place. I mean I just recently stopped eating fish a week or so ago and it's going well. I feel like it also helps to keep me entertained in a way. Makes me feel like I'm actually doing something. It's kind of the same as dying my hair.. but not really. I do things to keep me amused with my life yet my mom doesn't approve. I want to eat better and healthier yet my mom wants to dismiss my wishes for myself. I want to help the environment.. help others.. but nope, no approval on her part. Just like donating blood. "Seventeen year olds shouldn't be allowed to donate blood." Honestly? Let's have a little bit of respect here please. All I want to do is help the environment, animals, people.. myself. I just want to be happy, yet am prevented from doing so. Prevention pushes people, pushes them to self destruction.

Purpose?

“What’s the purpose of life?” Some of the biggest and most important questions can never be answered by anyone but oneself. You just have to figure that out for yourself. A few weeks ago, I asked my psychiatrist what the purpose of life was, she simply answered “There isn’t one.” Speaking as a seventeen year old girl, I thought that was a complete letdown. At that time I was at my breaking point, or so I thought. I have been dealing with major depression and anxiety since middle school. It really kills you when you realize you struggle with MDD because you understand that there’s no definite cause of why you’re upset. I’m not talking about the imbalance of brain chemicals, but the triggers which people may face in everyday life. There’s just no actual reason. No deaths, no breakups, no family issues, no drug or alcohol abuse, no PTSD, no nothing. It’s just there. Depression makes you feel guilty as hell most of the time which doesn’t help because then, of course, you start feeling worse. In Lynn, when I was sitting in my psychiatrist’s office I was so unfocused. I was in a daze just staring at the Zoloft advertisement on the desk. I was intrigued by the water droplet that somehow symbolized Zoloft. I just didn’t care. I wanted to feel something; I was numb. I had no sense of hope and I think that’s what I was really looking for when I asked about life’s biggest question. I had been pondering the idea of life’s purpose. Why do we do anything? Why do we go to school? We go to school to get into greater school. College. What’s the point of college? To get a job? One that we will most likely hate. What do we work for? To be able to eat and sleep comfortably? Or is it so we can just live in the same boring routine we all call life? Life is an endless circle. It really is. Everyone wants to be happy whether they admit it or not. Most people with depression often feel comfortable with how they feel. They accept their depression and often use it as a “comfort zone.” People suffering from depression become so used to always feeling down that they feel like its almost the right way to feel. When they do feel “happy” they sometimes wish they didn’t for some unknown reason. Depression is quite difficult to understand. But obviously, deep down everyone wants to be unconditionally happy. They just have to find their reason in order to understand themselves. In order to be unconditionally happy, one must have a reason. A purpose. They must have a greater perspective on life which makes everything feel worthwhile. I discovered that perspective. My perspective. It always irritated me when people would ask “What do you want to go to school for?” Not only did it stress me out because I didn’t know, but it made me think How do you even know I want to go to college? As I thought about the appointment with my psychiatrist, I thought about the idea of college too. What made me happy? What did I love to do? I always thought that sometime I would find something that I loved doing. The problem was that I had been doing it. I just had to look at the greater picture and realize it. My passion had always been doing my hair. Adding red tints, and new bleached out blondes and auburns, cutting it, styling it, everything. The fresh smell of hair dye would bring pleasure to me every time it infused the bathroom. The stains on my hands never bothered me, but somehow made me feel like I had done something worthwhile. I had overlooked the fact that I loved hair coloring that it just seemed like an ordinary routine. I didn’t have to give it much thought when I colored my hair. I simply just did it. It may sound weird but as soon as I actually realized this, it gave me a great sense of relief. I could go to school for cosmetology! Awkwardly, everything suddenly made sense. Although cosmetologists don’t always make the greatest money, I don’t care. I would rather do something I absolutely love doing and barely making anything rather than making a lot of money while suffering. Over the past month or so I’ve realized that in order to be unconditionally happy, you must find your motivation. Something to look forward to. Find the one thing that makes you feel like there’s a reason why you’re doing the things that you are. Otherwise, everything else seems like a complete waste of time. With a reason and a purpose in life, not everything will feel pointless. There’s obviously not a reason for absolutely everything that happens each minute of every day, but it becomes clear that there is a point to living, there’s a point to being happy. You just have to figure it out for yourself. The beginning is just around the corner, first just start off by finding your purpose. Then live for that purpose.

"new and reshaping" technology?

It is very difficult to step out of ourselves when we are so surrounded by the style and luxury in which we live. Many adults believe that children and teenagers have it so easy these days. They always say “we never had that as a child.” They constantly put us down and criticize us for what they created. Are we the ones who invented cell phones and television and computers? NO. It’s so irritating to hear their bullshit. They blame us for what THEY did and they do not realize it. They constantly complain that we don’t read enough or that we do not walk anywhere now a days, yet they came up with the idea of electronics and cars. Some people honestly need to realize that teenagers and children did not give themselves the lives they live. If adults want us to read books so much then why are they thinking about getting rid of libraries and just having every book on the internet? What is wrong with society? All the “wisest” people aren’t always as smart as they think, are they? Adults make just as many mistakes as teenagers do if you really think about it. They may have more experience with things but at the same time they don’t. They’re living in a different time period than the one modern teenagers are living. Adults may have gone through similar situations but time has changed and reactions to certain things are different. Everything isn’t as simple as it may have once been. Adults formed the way life is now led, they were and are the influence and direction.I believe that, for anyone, giving up the use of anything we are immune to is hard. People use cell phones and computers because everyone else does. People just want to stay connected with each other. Now that we have that “connection” we don’t want to get rid of it. People want to make things easier for themselves so they use technology. It’s contradicting because technology just makes everything that much more complex.

Not Waiting.

You know how aggravating it is sitting around and waiting for someone? Either literally or figuratively. For example, waiting around for someone to answer you if you're supposed to hangout with them a certain day. Or waiting for them to finish other just-made plans? It gets so irritating. I'm not going to sit around all day waiting for you to be able to hangout. I could be doing something else, or hanging out with someone else. Obviously if something comes up or your running late for whatever reason I mean that's fine. I'm talking about people who always do this. Waiting for rides if your car is in the shop or being used by your older sister.. or you just don't drive is also super annoying.
Waiting for someone relationship speaking is a whole other issue. People are just aggravating. I think if people keep you waiting you can go do whatever the hell you want. You shouldn't be restricted from talking to people because they're not ready. What the hell is that? I mean if they don't care then it's whatever but if they're up your ass about talking to other people, forget it. Fact: this is just my opinion not what I'm actually dealing with (I mean the relationship part of this).

Ambiguity

I cannot stand when people act ambiguous. Just be straightforward. Be blunt. Don't be an idiot and try to confuse people to get what you want. If you want something say it. Be direct and don't use all these silly nonsense words. It screws everything up and then unneeded emotions are wasted. If you're the kind of person who guilt trips people, why don't you punch them in the face instead? It's basically what you're doing. Don't be immature about it. People who try to guilt people into things are just wasting their time. Don't be a two faced bitch. You do shit like that and you'll get your ass whooped in life. Don't purposely leave people wondering. That just makes you a jackass. DON'T WHINE, DON'T GUILT TRIP, DON'T BE A TWO FACED LYING BITCH.

domination.

I absolutely despise living at home. I cannot stand my mom. She has these crazy unnecessary rules. I mean I get good grades like As sometimes Bs, I have a solid job which I excel at, I have my license, I'm responsible, I don't drink or smoke, I don't party, so why does she have all this control over me? I can't wait to move out next year. Living with my sister will eliminate most stress I'm having now a days. I see my sister, who is 20, and she's still being controlled by my mom because my mom pays for her college and such. I'm not going to be entitled to that bullshit. I'm going to be me. I was almost so close to not going to college at all and just moving out of my house and getting my own apartment. I don't see why she doesn't allow me to drive anywhere. It's like she wouldn't let me drive to see my boyfriend in Quincy because it's past Boston. It's not like I hadn't driven there before but when I actually asked her if I could (instead of going behind her back) she wouldn't let me. That was basically the only way I could see him hence the reason he didn't work or have a job. So I'm basically allowed to drive around beverly and its surrounding cities. I also love my 10 o'clock curfews during the week (in summer, 8 during school) and my 11 o'clock curfews during the weekends. So technically if I work during the week I get to hangout with friends for two hours (at most) afterward. Oh and my mom totally doesn't allow piercings or tattooing while we're not "financially independent." Which is just dandy because I personally feel like it's restricting me from who I am. It's a burden on how I express myself. Plus the fact that it's what I want to do when I'm older is get my piercing and tattooing licenses. It's just great. P.S. She doesn't allow incense or candles in our rooms either.. cause I'm totally gunna burn this house down. seriously! AH!

Dreams

I'd really like to know the significance of a death dream. So me and my cat we're severely dying of some sort of disease. Well I know I was but I'm not sure if my cat was dying because he was getting old. In my dream the doctor and my sister were telling me I was going to die that night. I feel like I kept myself awake in the dream to prevent myself from dying.. Of course you can never die in your own dreams because your brain prevents that from happening. The dream was messed up. Then my younger sister was being told that she was going to die the morning after me. AND THEN my older sister was told she was sick. I also had a little kitten that had been put down but I do not know why. The kitten was the size of a mouse and it had a friend.. who I think was a mouse. It was a crazy dream. Anyone care to analyze it for me?

Let down

I don't know why I constantly do it but I always look for the best in people, and they never cease to constantly let me down. It's usually when I need them the most too. They brush me aside as if I mean nothing. Well, if you're going to do that then why even bother? oh right.. you don't. It shouldn't hurt but it does. To get your feelings walked on and all people do is dismiss them. You mean nothing to me, I'm going to ignore you and your feelings because THEY DONT MATTER. Yeah thanks.. actually I DO have feelings. I try to put everyone's feeling and wants and needs way before my own and I get nothing in return? Not even respect? thank you very much. It means a lot, really. I think it's funny how some people believe "what goes around comes around" and "good karma." THEY DO NOT EXIST. Don't get your hopes up because naturally people are selfish and don't take others into consideration. Thank you all, you wonderful people you!

Relationships

Relationships are so irritating. I mean I feel like they can obviously teach you a lot during high school but they're too distracting and stressful to get myself into. I want to be happy without one, and I'm slowly making that happen. High schools a growth period, sure you should have fun but it's more getting ready for situations in which you'll have to handle. I feel like relationships at this point are no longer for me. It's not what I'm looking for and whenever a related situation comes up it's super awkward because I just don't want to think about them. I don't need a relationship now and I'm almost better off without one. I want to be fully independent and I somewhat feel like having another person in your life like that would be a burden (well for now). I just want freedom right now, to be myself. I want to focus on me, no more of everyone else all the time.

Criminal Minds

I am currently at Ashley's house.. once again and we're watching Criminal Minds. It's making me realize how horrible and sick people can be. Absolutely disgusting. LSD on the envelopes? REALLY? I don't even have the mind to think about carry out a crime like that. People are disgusting. Shows like Criminal Minds and CSI make me want to get into law and investigate things but I know it's not really how it is in the real world. TV can really make things so much more interesting than they really are.
I hungout with Steve today and we just hungout and walked around town, and hungout at my house for a little bit. Kara came over and I dyed her hair for her. It was a pretty good day. Once me and Steve walked downtown to the Commons we hungout with Joe, Emily, Phil, Zac, and Taylor. It was fun. I totally beat the crap out of Phil. It was awesome.

So this is my first blog posting.. I doubt anyone will really read these but that's okay! Anyway, I feel like I'm starting this because it is too difficult for me to start another journal.. I have about five that I have started but I never get to finish them.. unless they're written between me and Sarah Nesbitt haha. Enough of that! Well, I'm super excited to get senior year over with. It hasn't even started but I cannot wait to move out of my house. I'm planning on moving in with my older sister, Amanda, in Rhode Island. Since she currently attends RISD in Providence it will be approximately 15 minutes away from a school I want to attend. Either Paul Mitchell or Toni & Guy Academy, both of which are in Cranston, RI. So.. for people who are not familiar with Paul Mitchell or Toni & Guy, they are both schools for Cosmetology. Yes but anyway, Amanda is planning on getting an apartment for her Senior year at school with her boyfriend Jacob, so we're planning on having me move in too. The good thing is that my mom is actually encouraging it. Hallelujah! So now I can be free and live with my sister and go completely wild! No that's not me, but I am planning on finally getting the piercings and things that I wanna get. Oh that reminds me, I also want to get my piercing and tattooing licenses while I'm down there. I'll only be at school for two years since it's a two year school. But I want to go to both Paul Mitchell and Toni & Guy so after I complete one school I'll probably go to the other.